So here’s the thing…
Often a relationship will end, not because there was a lack of love, but from the lack of good communication.
Truths left unspoken, desires unheard, needs not voiced, triggers left unexpressed, hurts unresolved and hearts not listened to.
Silence will slowly suck the life right outta a relationship until the only things that are left are resentments and ghosts of past grievances.
So, in order to have phenomenal relationships, we need to get really GOOD at COMMUNICATION ✨
For some, expressing their needs, fears, wants etc comes easily. For others (A LOT of others) it’s a bit more challenging.
Fear of confrontation, rejection, or love being withheld are a few reasons why some of us may struggle with speaking up. Having been ignored, shut down or ridiculed in the past for sharing, can also make expressing hard!
But moving through your discomfit and authentically sharing your truth will be worth it, I promise! And, like anything, the more you practice, the easier it gets!
Great communication has been proven to dramatically impact the overall satisfaction of a relationship both emotionally and physically! And it goes a loooong way in helping to cultivate connection (remember how important connection is!) and ensuring each partner feels valued, seen, acknowledged and respected.
So before we get into a few tips on how to become better communicators, here’s something to chew on…
Men mostly (not always) communicate with a clear purpose, for example, to solve a problem or prove a point. They dig effective, efficient and directed chat and love when it leads to “fixing”. They often use fewer details and “simple” answers.
Women mostly (not always) use communication to discover how their feeling and to share in order to increase intimacy. Communication is non-linear and the very act of sharing is usually the solution to her concern. Women LOVE details and often speak from a ‘feeling’ base rather than a ‘thinking’ base.
I don’t know about you but this feels very true for me in my relationship. I usually feel 10x better when I have expressed what’s coming up for me to Tomek (I always request he doesn’t try and “fix it” but simply allow me to get it all out) The magic of just being heard, leads to me feeling seen and that my friend, is a remedy to MANY an upset.
Side note: If the upset was due to a relational issue between us, there would (of course) be further steps needed and added input from us both!
So if you’re a person who knows they feel better after a good “talk it out” sesh, ask your partner for just that! Let them know that sometimes it feels good for you to just voice everything that is on your heart at that moment and if they could just listen – and not try and fix it – you would really appreciate it!
A few other tips on communication:
Firstly, you must recognize that your voice matters. Your opinions, beliefs, needs and desires matter. You deserve to be heard.
Allow communication to bring you closer, rather than let silence drive you apart! In every Deeper Date there is a communication practice that does just this! Check it out there.
If speaking face-to-face feels too much, write a note, send a text or speak on the phone. There are lots of different ways to communicate!
Your partner is not a mind reader. We, women, looooove to assume our man can and should intuitively sense what we need, which usually ends in a fight, right? So use your words and spell it out for them. Help them, help you.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it meanly! There’s rarely a need for nastiness. Practice non-violent communication whenever possible. Speak from a place of love.
Ask first before you dive in. If your partner is distracted doing something, tell them you’d like to talk and ask them to let you know when a good time will be. That way when you do talk, you’ll have each other’s full attention.
Listen! Really hearing the other person is just as important as sharing. So bring your full attention, presence and awareness to what your partner is communicating to you. Also, listen to UNDERSTAND instead of listening to respond – it’s a game changer!
Be honest and open as much as you can. Pretending to be alright when you’re not alright is NOT ALRIGHT. Nor is giving your partner the silent treatment. So be open and vulnerable and brave. Let them in.
There’s more to communication than just words. The way you touch your partner, the way you look at them, and whether you’re present or distracted, all convey meaning. So watch your non-verbals.
Good communication isn’t all about the big open-hearted share-alls. It’s found in the everyday as well. Asking about the day, sending a loving or flirty text, hugging each other hello, expressing appreciation, checking in with each other in times of stress, flicking them a wink at a dinner party, asking questions, giving their hand a squeeze, celebrating their win at work, paying attention when they speak…
Good communication is a SKILL and it takes practice. It took me a LOOOOONG time to be able to express myself fully to my husband and even today I still trip up or find it a challenge sometimes. But real, authentic, straight-from-the-heart communication is vital for a thriving REALationship.
Now go get to talkin!