So here’s the thing…
Taking “action” to activate desire and keep it thriving in a relationship sounds like work…and it is.
Which is why most of us won’t do it.
We’ll convince ourselves that desire should just be an effortless force between two people and usually, it is….in the beginning.
But then as time passes, that effortless force, well, it needs effort.
And here’s why…
In the beginning, when you meet someone it’s new and exciting. It’s turbocharged attraction on crack, right?!
Buuuut as you become attached to this person, it becomes a little scary because you’re beginning to realize you now have something to lose.
So you set about making the love you share more secure. You make it dependable, stable and take comfort in things like ritual, repetition and behaviours that make this love and relationship feel safe. You minimize risk and feel in control.
You have created a rock-solid relationship but why does the fire feel less…hot?
Well, it could be that in your attempt to create an awesome relationship, you have inadvertently removed some of the essential ingredients needed to fuel desire.
Stay with me…
You see, desire in long-term relationships involves needs that push against each other.
On one hand, we need security, safety, familiarity and predictability. But on the other, we also need adventure, unpredictability, mystery and surprise.
We need to feel safe and secure in a relationship – we can’t build intimacy and closeness without it. But we also have a need for adventure and excitement. As much as we need predictability, we also need mystery and surprise.
We need security and safety but we need risk and uncertainty, without it, there is no longing, no anticipation and zero erotic undercurrents.
This leaves us with a very NORMAL and COMMON challenge that every couple faces when it comes to sustaining desire in long-term relationships…
How to meet the need for what is safe and predictable AND still explore the exciting, mysterious and unpredictable.
Here are a few ideas on how to keep the desire fire burning hot.
1 Keep your inner minx alive
It’s so important to stay connected to the part of yourself that is passionate, playful, sexy, desirous and maybe even a little deviant. You must give your sexual self permission to be heard.
2 Cultivate togetherness AND separateness
Desire is cramped by the familiar. With distance, we are able to feel mystery, longing and anticipation – the hallmarks of desire. But noooo you don’t need separate homes but a little time apart every now and again is super important. Love is about “having”, and desire is about “wanting”.
3 Keep it fresh folks!
Couples who report higher levels of sexual desire also report making the effort to try something new and different (no matter how small) to keep things interesting and fresh in the bedroom.
So don’t underestimate the power of trying something a little different. Read a book on Tantra, go to a sex shop, go on a pretend first date, seduce your partner with dance or words or photos. There are endless things to try and explore from the vanilla to the extra spicy and from the soulful to the sexy. Creativity is your desires best friend!
To make it REALLY easy for you to keep it fresh and exciting I have created Deeper Dates. These done-for-you date nights will ensure you and your partner are deepening in connection, intimacy, pleasure and desire on the regular! Check them out here!
4 Stay Curious
It’s so easy to think we know everything there is to know about our partner. But can we ever really know someone 100%? After all, we’re all separate humans with thoughts, feelings, pasts and futures of our very own. So quit thinking you have them all figured out and get curious instead. Ask deeper questions. Share perspectives. Challenge yourself to keep a fresh pair of eyes. There’s always more to discover about your lover, I promise you.
5 Schedule in Spontaneity
Remember when you were dating and everything felt so spontaneous and mysterious? Recreate the thrill of the unknown but take it in turns planning date nights. Sure you may need to plan ahead for a babysitter etc but it won’t dampen the anticipation for what’s in store!
6 Have an affair
No not that kinda affair! I’m talking about one with your partner. Most of us could think up plenty of romantic, saucy and downright sexy things we would do with a secret lover. So why not do them with your partner instead?? All it takes is a little imagination and effort.
So have a ponder on how YOU could inject a little mystery, surprise and adventure into YOUR relationship. And how you might cultivate some longing, anticipation and wanting in there as well!
Pretty juicy stuff!
Oh! And remember to check out Deeper Dates here. You absolutely won’t regret it!?